One Can Only Hope

Things my mother used to tell me in her thick sarcastic overtones: "One can only hope...." Followed by whatever the incident at hand had not yielded.

Now I sit at home and I tell myself...one can only hope...

I can only hope the next time someone tells me they love me, that person actually knows what love is.

But what is it then?

I was lucky enough to witness love from the sidelines of my parents' happy 23-year marriage. It would have lasted longer had not death parted them. Thus now, I seem to live my life in search of something more powerful than most people ever feel. Will it ever surface? I've tried twice to love a man. They both knew how to say the words but neither knew what it meant.

The first was a treasure. Young, sweet, with skin like the clouds. I knew he was all I would ever need. I didn't know what he would need. Timing and circumstance came in the way along with the unrefutable need he had to find sexual solice in a fantasy world instead of in me. I thought we would spend our lives together. I found it to be romantic that he would be the only sexual partner I would ever have in my life. He found it to be a curse that I would be his.

Upon conclusion of this five-year passion I had (give or take a year) my mother decided, as she often does, to forcefully offer her advice. She told me I should look for a man whose parents had loved eachother the way she and my father loved eachother. Knowing this was virtually impossible I disregarded her now so logical words. Instead I set guidlines for the next man. If he wasn't confident, opinionated, older, more experienced, and active, I wasn't interested. Unfortunately, I found him. `

My second was thrust into my life by complete accident. Timing and circumstance coming into play once again. As soon as we exchanged words I knew he was the one for me. That charm, that charisma and extreme confidence! I guess most women fall for a man like that at some point or another. It's a primitave intuition we have to mate with the male eminating the most potential to succeed. The winner. And of course, winners are usually those with the most confidence and drive. I read an interesting article at psychologytoday.com called The Biology of Attraction that describes pretty much how I met this man and how our "chemistry" was very similar to that of baboons. http://psychologytoday.com/articles/index.php?term=19930301-000030&page=1 Of course he was at least seven years older. He was into extreme sports. He minored in speech and debate in college. And very...very...very experienced. Now I'd even call him a slut. Unfortunately with these attributes seems to come psychological disorders, extreme baggage (children, ex-wives, polygamy, etc..) and the unconquerable instict for infidelities. Yes he said he loved me...and her, and her, and her and.....In my apparent very rare experience of seeing true love it seems that if I loved someone I would never feel the need to cheat. Why would I? They would be my rock. They'd be all I needed. Unfortunately my second is too old to change his ways, to alter the concept that "I love you" are three words that should be thrown around as loosely as possible just to give the appearance that he has a heart. And my first, well I can only hope that his current belle is teaching him the ways of love better than I did.

Okay okay mom...maybe you were right. She tells me to find a man my own age, my own race, my own sort of up-bringing, whose parents never got divorced. Though I've always believed that opposites really do attract. Both of my attempts at love had parents who were divorced before they reached the age of ten. I think from this point forward I'll be listening to her a little more intently. My heart can probably only take one more breaking before it becomes completely dysfunctional.

So what can be done?

How can society learn to love truly and deeply? Or will they? Will people continually abuse the term till it becomes less valuable than the U.S. dollar? I think we all have a lot to learn before love is saved. Real love, the kind you find only once in a lifetime, twice if my good friends timing and circumstance allow it. After all...one in two marriages now end in divorce in the U.S. I wonder what our children will grow up to feel. I wonder if love will even be in the dictionary in the future. One can only hope...